I don’t need any help – the pitfalls of hyperindependence
It started out simply enough. Maybe you were eight and you needed some help with something, but your parents were both busy with something else (like a younger sibling or work). Perhaps at the age of fourteen you really needed some advice from your mum, but you felt like she was always occupied with other stuff. Possibly it was with a boyfriend when you tried to express something you wanted from him in your relationship and his response was “why are you so needy?”. So you never asked again. Over time we learn that if you are brave enough (or maybe stupid enough) to ask for help, it’s unlikely to come anyway. I mean, we’ve all seen this:
So we learn, NEVER ask for help. We also find ourselves becoming more and more independent. We begin to reject offers of help, we pride ourselves on not being needy, we go above and beyond in a spiral of being what is now something that looks like hyper-independence. It’s grown from a place of having your trust in others broken, when you asked for help you were let down, so now you know the only person you can every rely on is yourself.
It doesn’t really matter where you developed your hyper-independence, I want to tell you about some pitfalls of functioning in this space. You see, when you demonstrate not needing anyone in your life, what you are actually doing is rejecting those who love you. You’re telling them that their help isn’t needed, isn’t good enough and that you don’t need them (and perhaps they think you don’t want them) and this becomes a full on rejection of those in your life and you push them away.
Is that what you’re trying to do when you don’t ask for help? Hell no, it’s definitely not. In fact, what you’re trying to do is not be needy. You’re making yourself small, diminishing any needs you might have, to the point where you really need nothing. This means that no one can ever provide you with anything, there is nothing you could possibly need or want, so how can anyone ever show their love and care in that way. I bet you hadn’t thought about how being hyper-independent could actually push people away had you?
Being Miss Independent (or Ms, or Mrs) is no way to live. You set yourself up for hurt and heartache. The woman who needs no one and nothing makes herself impossible to reach. She creates a space where even the most helpful of people will pull back, avoid offering and eventually give up. Wouldn’t it be amazing to confidently ask for help and know your request will be heard? Not only heard, but acknowledged and met? Imagine knowing that you can be connected to those in your life and feel that asking for help is normal and expected. Reducing yourself to nothing with no needs is actually not going to achieve what you think it will.
You can have a life where you know that those who love and care for you want to help you. You can be safe in the knowledge that asking for help doesn’t make you needy or high maintenance. You can feel secure in accepting help in your life. We are not designed to do everything alone, as humans we are wired for connection. We want to be connected and we do better as people when we feel supported and loved.
If you are reading this and it sounds like an area of your life you want to work on, then I want you to know that you can work on it and change your attitude to asking for help using my Life Alignment Program. This program is designed specifically for you based on your individual circumstances. If you’re ready to find out exactly what we can achieve together, book your Alignment call right now by clicking the button below.
If you’d like to read more about the juicy details of the program and what you can expect, you can find out more by clicking below.