Bottle Tree Counselling

Three words have stared at me from my mirror every day this year. I wrote them up after some major shifts in my life at the start of this year. I wish I could tell you it was a rhetorical question, but sadly, that would be a lie.

Who would have thought that three little words could cause me so much discomfort? Or days where those words would bring tears to my eyes as I implored someone, ANYONE, to tell me who I am. No answer was forthcoming. The universe did not plonk the information I wanted into my brain. I felt lost, alone, and directionless.

Let me unpack a little. As a typical girl child in western culture, I received dolls, babies, kitchen, bedding, nurturing type gifts in my childhood. I got praised for looking after others from a very early age. I may have even been left for short periods looking after younger siblings at an age that we now know I should have been running, playing outside, and climbing trees at. I should not have been getting shaped into a caregiver at such an early age, although it was very much the norm for that era. I definitely learnt somewhere along the line (whether it was direct or indirect learning is irrelevant) that it was “good” to give to others, but I never learnt how to STOP giving.

I remember hearing the word TOO so much as a child. Too loud, too boisterous, too demanding, too fussy, too busy, too bossy, too annoying, too boyish, I was just simply TOO MUCH EVERYTHING! I’d tell you I learnt to make myself small and quiet, but anyone who knows me knows that is not true. What I did learn was how to read other people’s emotions and moods and to modify my behaviour to fit the space, MOST of the time. I learnt that anytime someone was upset it was my job to fix things, somehow, anyhow, just fix it. I learnt that when I did things for other people, they would be happy, and I would get positive feedback. Socially, I developed a very finely honed comedy front that is now so in-built it’s hard to turn off. Make them laugh with you, so they don’t laugh at you has been a catchphrase most of my life.

Looking back now, I realise that I was always someone’s something. My mother’s daughter, my father’s daughter, my brother’s sister, my husband’s wife, my children’s mother. If it wasn’t my role in someone else’s life, it was my job that defined who I was. I created my identity out of who I could be to others. I know I’m not the only one because so many of the amazing women I work with express exactly the same issues. I know many of you will read this and start to realise it’s an incredibly common experience for women.

Over time, I got better at sitting with how uncomfortable I felt with those words. I started to look inwards for the answers. A lifetime of seeking the information from outside sources hadn’t worked so far, time to try something new. I found answers inside I never even knew existed. I pondered, I questioned, I read, I journalled, I called friends, I talked to myself (sometimes you need an expert opinion, right?). I watched new tv shows and movies, I did things I’d been putting off for years, I tried new things, I revisited old things I used to love and here’s what I found.

Who am I? I still don’t actually know the full answer to this question, I’m a work in progress, and that in itself is a thing of beauty. What I do know is this, I’m an investigator, a researcher, a woman who always wants to know WHY! I’m a recovering people pleaser who can be prone to relapse, I’m a giver, an independent woman who hates asking for help because I don’t want to be seen as “needy”. I’m funny and sarcastic and silly, yet also incredibly deep and understanding and non-judgemental. I’m dark and I have shadows, yet I am also light, to both myself and others when I help shine a light on their way forward. I’m courageous, encouraging, loving, caring, emotional and passionate. I can come across as loud, but deep down I’m quiet and enjoy solitude. I forget stuff like what I was just saying, yet remember things that you told me five years ago about your life. I’m meticulous in some areas of my life and a complete mess in others.